Search for Happiness

I've been doing it wrong this whole time!

For some reason, back before high school I wanted to begin practicing yoga. There were lots of reasons. Big world, long story.

My mom thought that meant joining a cult and told me so, but like every good pre-teen with internet access, I did it anyway and started on breathing exercises and basic postures. That summer I took a class and for three hours I was in bliss. It was like runners high without the, well, running.

I'm a rough kid. Defensive. I kept my metaphorical dukes up to keep my distance but after I rolled up my mat I looked around and saw everything differently. I remember looking to the girl next to me and saying, "Someone could come up and punch me in the face right now and I would just wish them a good day." I was zen, man.

(Really wish I could say I'm like that all the time, but let's be real, I'm human. And old boxing habits die hard.)

Since then, I've kept it up, getting my fixes when I needed them guiding myself through a mental cool down or deep-breathing myself to sleep. It's all about being there and in the moment. Lately though I've been losing that "Thereness" and I start to think forward, or even more so behind, and cowering in my thoughts as if I could somehow defend myself against the real world in them. It's just so easy isn't it? Worry about tomorrow and don't actually do anything today. Who can say they haven't been there?

Contemplation and meditation. What's the difference? For years I thought nothing, but now I realize I'm doing it all wrong. I haven't been meditating and renewing, but rather contemplating and contemplating and planning and sorting and that's not what it's about.

It's a mistake to think that happiness is the goal at the end of the journey.

The happiness I get comes from the "thereness" I'm working on, --always working on,-- and then the meditation of how awesome it feels to be outside all day, hiking through the rain and spelunking in wet caves and for the first time understanding the differences between stalactite and stalagmite (It's an 'm'.) and then getting back feeling cold and tired and putting on a dry pair of pants. Why does that feel so good?
Or picking apples straight off the tree and being fascinated that they taste just as sour, but oh-so-totally-worth-it as when you were little and just ate around the worms.
Or finding the perfect gift for someone and having a bit of happiness in your pocket, ready to give away and double for yourself and the receiver.
Or running around in your head about whether to publish a blog post that shows a little insight into yourself, but then thinking, "What are you so afraid of?"